classmate dilemma

[FUHummer]

I am not sure how to ask this question. Do I have an appropriate reason not to do exchange massage while in school with another student? How should I approach my instructor? I am asking because there is this guy in my class that is really creeping me out. Background: He was ok at first and then he started to say very inappropriate things. Like how he does not have to drape a woman's breasts because the law does not require it. This was said to me in passing while we were on break. I just asked him why; law or not? I told him there was no reason to not drape and it is about the clients comfort. He kept saying "cause I don't have to" I tried to disengage myself quickly from the conversation as we were alone in the hallway. From the first day of school he kept going on and on about how we haven't had a boundaries and ethics class yet and he needed to know what the boundaries were for massage which I didn't think anything about. How he was afraid some woman was going to accuse him of inappropriate behavior and he would have to go to jail, also a valid concern I suppose if you are a man (not to be discriminating it just seems like a more probable scenario). He also tried to arrange for some in the class to go to a topless bar after class once. There are so many things that are adding up to skeevy and many more I am not telling.

I have done an exchange twice with this guy and I do not ever want to again. The first time was at the beginning of school and while massaging my back he reached a bit too far down and touched my breast. I said whoa there sparky, you are getting a little too close, trying to make light. I assumed it was an innocent beginners mistake and it may have been. This last massage was horrible he rushed through it with little regard for any feedback he was very rough and criticized me that I would not relax. and kept saying hang on and get ready for the best massage of your life and bantering in a sexual nature with some of the other students. and I kept thinking to myself "If I just lay here it will be over soon" I felt like I was going to crawl out of my skin, I realize that is the type of thing a victim of sexual assault would be feeling.

This is not about trading massage with someone who is terrible. There are two other students in my class that are miserable to exchange with and I do my rotation with them without complaint.What should I do. I am a mature woman as is this man (age wise)

 

[Ahbanib4]

classmate dilemma

Absolutely speak with your teacher about this.

There is no reason why you should ever have that person touch you again, I do not care if we are in the "touch" business, or if you are a student.

When I was in school, there was a student who only lasted a few weeks and then he was gone. After he was gone i found out he had done a number of inappropriate things with other students and they had all reviewed him to the school. I'm sure there are a small perceneforum.xxxe of people who go into this business for all the wrong reasons, they need to get weeded out as early as possible.

Or, playing devils advocate, for a moment here lets assume this guy is a innocent knucklehead and you misunderstood his comments. He needs to know what is and is not appropriate and clean up his act or he wont last long in this business, either way, you have every right to refuse trades with him.

Male LMTs have a harder time building trust and need to be extremely careful about their actions, this guy isn't even close to that.

 

[Pompal 09.]

classmate dilemma

I also had a classmate like that in school. While the other guys in the class were absolute heroes for us ladies and "took the hit" and worked with him so none of us would have to, a small group of us got together and spoke to the school director about it. I'm very glad we did because the school administration met with him and while it's still my opinion that he wasn't exactly innocent, he at least backed off and started being more appropriate. About halfway through our program he started acting up again and finally was dismissed from the school.

 

[Mrs. S]

classmate dilemma

You owe it to this guy to review him to your director, although I can't imagine why your massage instructor hasn't done so already. It's his/her job to make sure this sort of thing doesn't go on.

Either your classmate is in the wrong field of study, or he's socially inept. Either way, he needs to be helped (required?) to make the right decision for him, whether that's quitting or fixing his attitude and behavior.

Not reviewing him will only hurt him, your classmates, your school, and the massage therapy profession. And yourself. Who can focus on learning with a creep in the room?

Kat

 

[Stranger 4 You]

classmate dilemma

review all this and the stuff you have not mentioned here to your school administrators. This guy needs to shape up or ship out.

 

[fox]

classmate dilemma

review all this and the stuff you have not mentioned here to your school administrators. This guy needs to shape up or ship out.

Ditto.

 

[sheloves_dablues]

classmate dilemma

Thats freaky. Please review this guy, at the very least thats also sexual harassment and in any situation it should be taken seriously.

 

[Ras Zero]

classmate dilemma

I had a situation happen while I was in school with a male student. I wish I would have turned is sorry a** in to school admin.
After the one incident where he came way too close to my pubic area(it was obvious he did it on purpose) I refused to let him touch me and he knew this and why.Kept my mouth shut to my teacher and school admin.
Last class,last hands on final...we pick names to see who our partners will be...I pulled his name.Tried to explain to my instructor that I didn't mind working on him,I just didn't want him touching me.I was told either deal with who I had or refuse to take my final and fail the test. For an hour it felt like I was being raped,cried my eyes out afterward. Had I opened my mouth when it first happened,I never would have had to go through that.

Speak up NOW before you regret it later on.

 

[cmeduck]

classmate dilemma

Thank you for the replies. I have asked to speak to the instructor in private to discuss this classmate. I have decided to review what has happened and see how they respond. I will let you all know how it goes. Thanks for the encouragement it is helpful to have a place to go to discuss these topics with others who understand the dynamic.

 

[vlost1]

classmate dilemma

Happy to hear you are reviewing this! Keep us posted, I'd like to know what action your school takes!

 

[Kerrie B]

classmate dilemma

I hope everything works out for you! If he can't respect boundaries, he really does not belong in the practice.

 

[thegreaterescape]

classmate dilemma

Bumping this for new members. It is an important matter.

 

[Forlorn Hope]

classmate dilemma

I'm wondering what happened to you 4thebirds. We're you able to talk with someone about the situation? Hopefully you won't have to put up with that weirdo anymore.

I had kind of a strange situation myself about 9 months ago. It happened while I was visiting one of the massage schools on my list of schools to visit (when I was trying to decide which school to attend). During the visit, the director of the school asked if I would like to receive a complimentary 1 hour massage from one of their top students. Of course I said yes and was eager to see how this massage would be compared to the massages I'd received in the past. I was introduced to the therapist who would be working on me and it was a guy. I had never received a massage from a man (other than my husband hehe) and was a little uncomfortable but decided I would go into it with an open mind.

Well, I sat there in agony the whole time. I couldn't wait for it to be over! The guy kept putting my legs into a frog type position, while massaging my thighs and asking "how does that feel?" I wanted to slap him....but just laid there instead cause I was too much of a wimp to say anything t010
I've never been so uncomfortable and needless to say this creep will be the reason why I will never get another massage form a male therapist.

If you have time, please post what happened in your situation. I'm definitely curious and wish you the best.

 

[Tada!(sparklesparkle)]

classmate dilemma

I'm wondering what happened to you 4thebirds. We're you able to talk with someone about the situation? Hopefully you won't have to put up with that weirdo anymore.

I had kind of a strange situation myself about 9 months ago. It happened while I was visiting one of the massage schools on my list of schools to visit (when I was trying to decide which school to attend). During the visit, the director of the school asked if I would like to receive a complimentary 1 hour massage from one of their top students. Of course I said yes and was eager to see how this massage would be compared to the massages I'd received in the past. I was introduced to the therapist who would be working on me and it was a guy. I had never received a massage from a man (other than my husband hehe) and was a little uncomfortable but decided I would go into it with an open mind.

Well, I sat there in agony the whole time. I couldn't wait for it to be over! The guy kept putting my legs into a frog type position, while massaging my thighs and asking "how does that feel?" I wanted to slap him....but just laid there instead cause I was too much of a wimp to say anything t010
I've never been so uncomfortable and needless to say this creep will be the reason why I will never get another massage form a male therapist.

If you have time, please post what happened in your situation. I'm definitely curious and wish you the best.

I think you should definitely discuss your experience with the school director. In the director's place, I would certainly wish to know about anything unpleasant related to that massage, especially since that particular student was personally recommended to you.

The school director was a bit stupid to not inform you in advance that the student was male. If you were nervous about seeing a male for the first time, the school director could have provided a different student therapist. Instead, you were put on the spot and were nervous going into the massage. If you had known in advance that it was a male student, you might have been more comfortable with the idea.

That said, I must also offer you the possibility that the student was completely innocent.

From your description of a "frog position", it sounds like you were on your back, with both legs exposed, and the draping tucked under each leg in what is often called a "diaper drape". Some styles of massage will raise one or both legs to a "frog"-like position to make it easier to work with the thigh muscles and fascia. Done well, it can be very pleasant and effective, and it sounds like this student was asking you how it felt to keep the line of communication open, so that you could inform him of any discomfort or whatever immediately.

Student therapists, even those that appear totally calm, are often a bit nervous, too... and some of them make check in with you about how something feels more frequently when doing something they are a bit nervous about. This nervousness usually has nothing to do with ulterior motives and everything to do with not yet being a seasoned professional that is truly relaxed because they have done that technique 1000 times already.

As a male MT, I strongly hope that you reconsider your stance about "never" seeing a male MT again. This student was hardly representative of what experienced professional male MTs are like. Chances are very good that you would absolutely love the experiences provided by any number of us.

The strongest "never" you should take from this is that you should probably never consider studying massage at that school. If the school director did such a poor job of handling that basic task of setting you up with a free massage and making certain that you would be entirely comfortable and prepared for a great experience, then that doesn't bode well for how the curriculum will be managed and presented.

 

[Pompal 09.]

classmate dilemma

I've never been so uncomfortable and needless to say this creep will be the reason why I will never get another massage form a male therapist.

As a male MT, I strongly hope that you reconsider your stance about "never" seeing a male MT again. This student was hardly representative of what experienced professional male MTs are like. Chances are very good that you would absolutely love the experiences provided by any number of us.

samirish, I looked at your background and noticed you are in your fourties, so I know I am not talking to a spring chicken, and therefore, I expect you have a head on your shoulders.

Would you have said this if your massage had been equally uncomfortable from a female?

Noting, if you ever get a massage that is equally uncomfortable, you are going to have little options left, unless aliens land.

Just a light way to say... I agree with JasonE.

It would be beneficial for you to reconsider, especially since you have said you are planning to start Massage Therapy School in Jan. You will most llikely have male therapists you will be working with.

 

[RexRomanus]

classmate dilemma

While I can appreciate your thoughtful opinions, I was stating the way I PERSONALLY felt about the situation, and still do. You don't have to agree...and thats okay. I do have a history of abuse in my backround (as many women do unfortunately) and that is probably clouding my judgement and I accept that, but it is what it is. While there is a chance that I will have to receive a massage from a male in class, I will graciously accept due to the nature of temporarily being in class, however I would never choose to get a massage from a male therapist through the typical setting as a paying client.

I'm not saying all male therapists are creeps. Just the one I had, in MY EXPERIENCE. I think therapists like him give the good guys a bad rep. Im sure your right Jason, when you say that many of you guys are excellent therapists and there remains the possibility the student may have been totally innocent. But for me, it was a bad experience. I'll be sticking with the females as trying out another guy would just be anxiety producing for me instead of relaxing and more trouble than its worth, thereby negating the intended results of a massage in the first place.
Oh and btw, I'm NOT attending that school, for obvious reasons. I wasnt in a hurry to pick a school as I'm a mom and housewife (first and foremost) but I finally chose to go to my local community college for their MT program and am really excited to start. Massage will be something I do on the side and also maybe esthetics eventually.

 

[Pompal 09.]

classmate dilemma

Samirish, I also have a history of sexual abuse, and I have to be very careful to remember to be assertive with my massage therapists (male and female) when I feel uncomfortable, even when it is my natural inclination just to "take it."

Discussing this with your (talk) therapist will help a lot, and ensure that you don't create a situation in which a massage therapist of either gender might trigger you without being aware of it. I always make sure to indicate my history of trauma on my medical history forms, and explain BEFORE the massage what is liable to give me problems. It's much more difficult for me to express my discomfort during a massage if I haven't already had a conversation with the therapist beforehand.

Hope this helps! Good luck with massage school!

Kat

 

[Country Girl]

classmate dilemma

Samirish, I also have a history of sexual abuse, and I have to be very careful to remember to be assertive with my massage therapists (male and female) when I feel uncomfortable, even when it is my natural inclination just to "take it."

Discussing this with your (talk) therapist will help a lot, and ensure that you don't create a situation in which a massage therapist of either gender might trigger you without being aware of it. I always make sure to indicate my history of trauma on my medical history forms, and explain BEFORE the massage what is liable to give me problems. It's much more difficult for me to express my discomfort during a massage if I haven't already had a conversation with the therapist beforehand.

Hope this helps! Good luck with massage school!

Kat

Absolutely excellent response.

Kat, this should go in your blog!

 

[Some Chick]

classmate dilemma

=double post=



11/21/11 - deleted due to double posting / see original above

 

[sarasmile]

classmate dilemma

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful reply Kat. I just checked out your blog btw, and I must say, I love it!
I book marked it and think it makes for very fun and interesting reading.

Best Wishes to you,
Stacey