Handyman Jokes

[xiejusup]

AFTER NEARLY AN HOUR of "just a little more white, two squirts of blue, a dash of black, perhaps a tad more white," the paint-store clerk got my gallon to the exact shade I wanted. With a sigh of relief, he pounded the lid on.
"Now what do I do if I need more paint?" I asked.
"Don't come back here," he begged.

WE WERE STAYING at a country resort and became friendly with the handyman. "My neighbor has a nice little cottage for sale, case you're interested," he told us.
Despite its run-down appearance, we fell in love with the place and bought it "as is."
The day we moved in, our new friend dropped by. "You got a good buy, " he admitted. "Cottage needs some work though. Roof leaks, plumbing's shot and the well runs dry in the summer."
Dismayed, I retorted, "Why didn't you tell us that before we bought it?"
"Weren't neighbors then," he replied.

MY PARENTS, who are real do-it-your-selfers, were sprucing up their basement. They picked out bright orange shag carpeting and then spread it over our lawn in order to measure and cut it. The neighbors watched curiously. After a while, the teenage daughter of one neighbor spoke up. "Our family has taken a vote," she said. "I've been elected to tell you that if we have any voice in this, we would prefer you leave your lawn the color it is."
I LOVE TO WORK with wood and decided to carve a rocking horse for our unborn grandchild. As parts of the horse were shaped, my intentions became clear to my next-door neighbor. "You must be about to have a grandchild," he called over to me.
"Our first," I replied, beaming.
"I have six," he went on. "After the first two, you'll buy something plastic at Wal-Mart."

MY FRIEND JACKIE, a busy mother of five boys, frequently did maintenance jobs on her house. One day, after hours on a ladder painting the upper windows, she complained to her husband that she'd felt dizzy. For her next birthday she received some scaffolding.

A BLONDE, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."