There's this total jerk in my fundamentals class...

[Nick M]

Hi! I'm sooo glad I found this website - I've read lots of posts about problems that students have, and I'm amazed at the wisdom that is displayed here. The diversity of answers and advise, the compassion, patience, the willingness to help us students... Y'all are Bodhisattvas, you know. Hopefully I'll learn something.

I'm 2/3 of the way through my 1st quarter of school, and at first all was warm and fuzzy. But then this guy in fundamentals class started offending about half of the students during discussion. I'm the guy.

Yesterday my teacher had "the talk" with me, the point being that about 1/2 the class has a real problem with me. A few students have told her that there is no way they will ever work with me. I understand that this is something I need to take seriously. The issue is that I am not sensitive or gentle during our three-hour discussion period before technique practice. An example, which really upset a lot of students, is that while we were talking about tipping, I said that the whole idea of tipping is lame because you should charge what you're worth to begin with, and if you rely on tips to get you by then you will resent the client who doesn't tip. These are obviously valid points, but I just said it like that without considering how some students might be affected.

Another example is that I said I would gag if anybody brought their spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend as an example of "what love means to you", which is an upcoming assignment. Apparently some students were planning to do this. Well, this went down like a cement canoe, which is when the teacher pulled me aside.

I have always had an edge to my personality which sometimes offends people, but I love that irreverent part of me. I dislike ignorance and emotional immaturity, even though I see it in myself often enough. In fact, I know that my absence of compassion and impatience with other people is a type of ignorance. So today I asked the universe to help me out on this one - I don't want to feel contempt for my species anymore.

So how do I become patient and compassionate? This is really a serious thing for me. Please reply.

 

[pdq]

wow...

wow... the whole thing... wow, but especially this line,
I don't want to feel contempt for my species anymore.

this is really amazing insight, waker.

You need to change these thoughts into actions. I'd suggest you print this post out, add a sincere apology and hand it out to the class. You might even add individualized apologies for those you've wronged the most blatantly. Tell them you want to make amends (amends is not just apologizing; it's making an honest effort not to repeat the behavior ~ to change.), but it won't happen overnight and you need their help, white light and prayers.

It's good you recognized this and want to change it now, because this kind of attitude does reveal itself in your touch.

I'm sending some positive energy your way,

and I can highly recommend the energy work of barefoot. Check out her thread in the Energy Forum on Matrix Energetics.

Be open to the help you are asking from the Universe - believe, and unbelievable things will happen.

 

[Miss Laura]

Hello Neighbor!

OK, maybe I am missing something here, but isn't the point of a discussion class to get different viewpoints and opinions? I realize it's hard to convey the "tone" of your delivery to us here on the forum, but based on what you shared I wouldn't have been offened by those comments, even if I had planned on bringing my hubby to the "what love means to you" assignment, your comment would have given me great food for thought.

When I was in school I was offended at times too by the different personaliies & opinions that were shared. Guess what? It was good for me. I grew allot during my time in school and not only that, my paridigm changed drastically. I may not agree with several of the ideas expressed during my time at school, but those perspectives have helped me now to deal with the vast array of clients and colleagues I come accross in my new career as a massage therapist.

Granted you did share that 1/2 the class has a "problem" with you and maybe there are things to work on with your delivery on how you share. You thoughts and opinions are not only valid, but they are needed. Sometimes majority may be "right" but I would dare say sometimes majority is wrong.

 

[beachchick]

NC Kneader and Rocky Mountains, thanks for taking time to reply. I've a feeling that this is a "much ado about nothing" thing, that it's the typical massage school drama that will sort itself out in time. You should hear all the thoughtless remarks students make about each other in my school! As always, balance is the key to keeping my head straight...

I now realize that I don't have to be a jerk. I never considered gentleness an option. My attitude has been, "Oh, did I offend you? Here, let me call an ambulance..." primarily because I'm a firm believer in taking responsibility for yourself. But man, it really hurts the soul to feel like you are above anybody else. So until I develop some much-needed compassion I'll keep my mouth closed. Dang, the universe is gonna kick my gluteal region for this.

 

[Bubbles]

I only went to one school, but from reading through many posts on this site, ones on other sites, having conversations with other MT's, as well as yahoo groups, I can honestly say some massage schools try to brainwash their students. I don't think they do it on purpose, but some of them sure do try to influence their students.

There are all kinds of people doing massage. Some are the way out there type, some are the medical type, some are the religious type, and some are the business type, some are the super compassionate I dont do it for the money type, and some are the I just want to do make a living doing massage and don't want to change how I am and how I think type. Sounds like you are the later, much as I am.

You don't have to change who you are, you just have to get through school. Most of your fellow students you will never see again once school is done. So, do what I did. Smile alot, nod your head alot, and agree with your teachers and fellow students more than you normally would. Use your head and common sense. Some massage schools don't believe much in it.

If you are great at massage, people will come to you no matter what your personality is like. School is very temporary and you can get through it.

 

[Reslee]

Love yer advice, peacenut. Thanks for the support, everyone!

 

[BMWbuyerGoGo]

Waker, you & I are very much alike! I'm also a very "blunt" person, I call 'em as I see 'em, and unfortunately, I tend to offend people sometimes. I have very little patience for ignorance, and I'm trying very hard to work on patience & compassion as well. So we're in the same boat, I guess you could say

I'm fortunate enough to have classmates who understand me, and appreciate my sense of humor. With the exception of one student, everyone likes me (atleast they haven't told me otherwise!) and we all get along. The only advice I have for you is to think before you speak : Good luck!

 

[Smart girl]

^^^LMAO!

 

[lovy<3]

OK, maybe I am missing something here, but isn't the point of a discussion class to get different viewpoints and opinions?

Yes, but the way in which these viewpoints and opinions are expressed is just as important. I'd say you are missing something, and that is the problems with the OP's delivery.

As an analogy, it's useful and healthy to express our anger, but that doesn't make it okay to express our anger by screaming or calling people names.

An example... I said that the whole idea of tipping is lame because you should charge what you're worth to begin with, and if you rely on tips to get you by then you will resent the client who doesn't tip.

Try: "I don't like the idea of accepting tips, because I think that one should charge what you're worth..."

This is a good start: it removes the most obvious judgment ("is lame") and uses "I statements" to personalize (own) rather than universalize (project) your opinion. You could go further by removing the judgment "should", but let's not run before we can walk.

A book that might be good for you is Drive Yourself Sane, by Kodish & Kodish. If you dislike ignorance, you'll like this book. It's all about becoming less ignorant in our speech and thought. After understanding the points in this book, you might never want to use a construction like "is lame" again.

Another example is that I said I would gag if anybody brought their spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend as an example of "what love means to you"

So for starters there's an implicit judgment in there. If we unpack it, you're saying you would feel sick if that situation happened, but you don't say why you would feel sick. What is it that you think about the situation that would make you feel sick? Your answer to that question almost certainly contains judgment.

But more than that, this comment doesn't simply judge; it contributes to an unsafe environment. It's hard enough to be open and vulnerable when people speak their judgments, but when people say they would act out (gag), rather than express, their judgments, it gets even more difficult.

This is probably one where "keeping your mouth closed" as you put it would have been a better course of action. Your judgments regarding what love means to other people are not about others, they are about you... and therefore are not valuable contributions that others in the class need to hear, but simply some of your own "stuff" that you need to work on privately or with whatever helper(s) you seek out.

Some more suggestions:

- Read Conversations With God (I believe Book 1 will be sufficient) simply for the parts on judgment and relativeness. This will help you discern more easily where you're being judgmental.
- Some books on Non-Violent Communication (Rosenberg and others) could be a great help to you in beginning to understand the nature of your aforementioned "stuff"; it will help you both choose what to express and what not to express AND help you do a better job of expressing whatever you do choose to express.
- As cheesy as it is, David Burns' Feeling Good Handbook has some basic communication style improvement exercises that could help... it doesn't have the completeness and elegance of NVC, but provides some straightforward basics... training wheels, if you will.
- The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense might actually be helpful: read it as if you were one of your classmates trying to figure out how to deal with you.

I never considered gentleness an option. My attitude has been, "Oh, did I offend you? Here, let me call an ambulance..." primarily because I'm a firm believer in taking responsibility for yourself.

Your classmates are taking responsibility for themselves: sometimes the most responsible thing we can do for ourselves is to say to someone, "I choose not to be around this behavior of yours."

You now have the opportunity to respond: you can either respect their boundaries and maintain connection with them, or you can choose your behaviors rather than the connections and go find other people to do those behaviors around.

I don't want to feel contempt for my species anymore. ... So how do I become patient and compassionate?

Many forms of Buddhist practice can help. Metta meditation in particular. Certain flower essences can help. Counseling/psychotherapy for sure. Hypnotherapy. Energy work such as has been recommended. Even acupuncture, with the right acupuncturist, can have an effect on this issue you are working with.

Books such as the Conversations With God series, books by Hugh Prather, Teachings on Love by Thich Nhat Hanh. Believe it or not, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People speaks to this issue (people do not become highly effective by holding others around them in contempt). Therefore, some of Tony Robbins' stuff applies. Also, an NVC book called Don't Be Nice, Be Real (sounds right up your alley!) by Kelly Bryson can help you retain the things you love about yourself while becoming more bearable to the people around you.

If it interest you, get to know more about psychology and models of personality and development. Knowing more about what drives people and where they're at in life can help you have more compassion for them. Examples of systems to study: Myers-Briggs/Kerisey Bates (Please Understand Me), the Enneagram, Spiral Dynamics/Integral theory.

I have always had an edge to my personality which sometimes offends people

I found that massage school, like the rest of life and the maturing process, can have the effect of smoothing off some of the rougher edges. This is, in my opinion, a Good Thing. Sounds like you are embracing that process. Best of luck!

 

[Liberal AssKicker]

That's a huge reply, Joshua, not just in length but in energy and effect. I always hate learning how flawed/wounded I am, but I need to hear it on occasion. I had no idea that my statements in class were so loaded with judgment. I mean, I know I'm very judgmental, but I didn't think it came out it my speech so unconsciously. I might as well walk around with "I'm the Judge" written on my forehead.

I'll take your advice and check out some of the books you've mentioned. I'm fortunate to have a counselor available at the school, maybe I'll talk to her about this. I really just want to keep my head down, mouth closed, until I graduate. Not delay my personal growth, but not use school to work out my issues. Thanks for honoring my question with such a thoughtful reply. Have a wonderful day!

 

[MyLILJohhny]

Another long post from a different Joshua...

I'm fairly emotionally reserved in public and especially in professional situations. That is because in my private life I am notorious for saying the wrong thing in what I consider socially tricky situations. My close friends know this and when I say something that is "off" they just say "That is the way Josh is."

When I did my Complementary Health Care & Massage Therapy degree there was a lot of "sharing and caring" group bonding expected in the Comp Health portion. Students expressed how "freeing" it was to be able to be "genuine" with each other and really "open up". I've had some experience with this sort of situation in the past, and I knew better to assume I could open up and be genuine with them.

But being emotionally reserved doesn't work well with the caring and sharing atmosphere. I come off as cold and uncaring. So I had to be just open enough to seem like I was participating in the group bonding, but not so open I risked offending people.

In "sharing and caring" language what it came down to was that I didn't feel emotionally safe or accepted in that environment. I had good reason to believe that if I was open about some of my experiences, beliefs and opinions it would have a very bad effect on classroom dynamics and would make other students uncomfortable. I knew that going in to the program and decided it wasn't my job to broaden their minds. I wasn't willing to risk alienating half the students, especially with my reputation for mishandling emotionally difficult social situations. Not My Job.

Besides, I wasn't there to feel emotionally safe and accepted. I was there to learn. I already have a loving caring network of friends where I feel emotionally safe and accepted. It isn't a huge deal to me. But many students expressed that this was a new and life-changing experience for them. I felt like it was a situation where I could be generous. It would be a huge stretch for them to accommodate me, but I could easily accommodate them, and they need this more than me.

My attitude has been, "Oh, did I offend you? Here, let me call an ambulance..." primarily because I'm a firm believer in taking responsibility for yourself.

You say that this is just the way you are, and it sounds like it hasn't been a problem in the past. I get the impression that you have no problem with other people being equally blunt with you. It is entirely possible to understand that your classmates want to be treated more gently without having contempt for their "weakness". It is like with physical strength: you can be a big strong guy without feeling contempt for people who are smaller than you. And yeah, you have to be careful not to hurt them with an overly enthusiastic handshake or good-natured punch in the arm. That doesn't make you a bad person for being inclined to roughhouse with other sturdily built folks who appreciate that sort of behavior. And if you are accustomed to interacting with other sturdily built folks, it isn't a sign of some terrible character flaw that you "never considered gentleness an option." It takes some time to adjust to a different way of interacting with people. If there style doesn't sit right with you, don't let them convince you that their preferred way of interacting is the "right" way that all people should act towards each other. What sort of behavior "contributes to an unsafe environment" varies wildly depending on the particular sensitivities of the group. Different situations and different groups work well with different styles of interaction. It is all about knowing what is appropriate and behaving well regardless.

I dislike ignorance and emotional immaturity, even though I see it in myself often enough. In fact, I know that my absence of compassion and impatience with other people is a type of ignorance. So today I asked the universe to help me out on this one - I don't want to feel contempt for my species anymore.

Contempt for others is corrosive to the soul. Knowing that you can handle certain situations better than some people isn't. If you feel like you are better than other people, let that motivate you to act better than other people. If you think you are more able to take responsibility for your emotions than your fellow students, let that inspire you to self-improvement. Cultivate an attitude of generosity towards people who you see as emotionally or intellectually "less fortunate" than yourself, and let that inspire compassion and patience.


-- Joshua Tenpenny

 

[AHMAI]

nicely said

If you feel like you are better than other people, let that motivate you to act better than other people. If you think you are more able to take responsibility for your emotions than your fellow students, let that inspire you to self-improvement.

Very well put, Mr. Tenpenny.

 

[Brendon Knows Best]

I agree that discussion should be open for all opinions even those that are not popular. It is what makes people think about their own opinions and ideas about how things are done.

You mentioned that you are inclined to "keep my head down, mouth closed, until I graduate. Not delay my personal growth, but not use school to work out my issues." Sometimes what seems an inopportune time to address things is exactly when you should be doing so. This has been brought to your attention for a reason and it appears that you are earnest about working on it. School seems very much the perfect place to practice what you've learned.

I think it speaks volumes that you are taking the time to try and address this situation. Joshua's sorting out the judgment in your statements was very well done. I hope you find the gentle side of your strength in saying what you mean without the added judgment.

 

[/cfreese 68IOU1]

I feel like I missed the boat somewhere, that I'm deficient in the wisdom and social skills so effortlessly portrayed by the authors of this page. How did y'all get so brilliant? Where does the insight come from? Joshua Tenpenny, you're thousands of miles away yet I feel like I just spilled my guts to you over a cup of coffee at the nearest massageplanete. How does one cultivate intuition like that? The collective kindness of everyone who answered is a deep well of healing energy that I will draw from often. I simply asked how to become more patient and compassionate, and you folks instantly demonstrated with gentle words. So that's how...

Peace and happiness-

 

[saleem]

I feel like I missed the boat somewhere, that I'm deficient in the wisdom and social skills so effortlessly portrayed by the authors of this page. How did y'all get so brilliant? Where does the insight come from? Joshua Tenpenny, you're thousands of miles away yet I feel like I just spilled my guts to you over a cup of coffee at the nearest massageplanete. How does one cultivate intuition like that? The collective kindness of everyone who answered is a deep well of healing energy that I will draw from often. I simply asked how to become more patient and compassionate, and you folks instantly demonstrated with gentle words. So that's how...

Peace and happiness-

"Brilliance" comes from making mistakes and remembering the lessons learned thereby. You too will become brilliant.

At one time, I was you. It took a long time to become the person I am now, but for most of that time I wasn't aware of the problem the way you are. In truth, there is nothing wrong with you as a person; you are simply expressing yourself in ways that occasionally offend. If you intend to offend, this can be useful. If not, you just need to expand and refine your communications skills.

"I saw the angel in the marble and chiseled until I set it free." - Michaelangelo

You're still in school, and like any school there's drama. Massage attracts all kinds, and heaven knows many of us get along like cats and dogs. Read through the MassagePlanetL forums and you'll find tons of squabbling... but you'll also see that, over time, committed people learn to understand each other and communicate productively.

You are a good person, and you can become the compassionate communicator you wish to be. And you can do this without violating your own integrity. Never feel that you have to become a doormat, or that you have to be tolerant of everything and everyone. It's okay to have limits.

"Don't mistake kindness for weakness." - I don't remember who gets credit for that, but I like it. Sometimes you need to be gentler than you'd prefer, but that's the nature of kindness. Strength will always be there, and greater if conserved for when it's most needed.

If you start reading self-help stuff that rubs you the wrong way, put it down and find an author/role model that you like better. For me, self-help references are a bust, but I've learned invaluable life lessons from real people in many facets of my life, particularly in the realms of martial arts, health and fitness, and bodywork. Their living examples inspire me every day, and each new chance to work with them is a joy.

 

[Mister C.]

Thanks, JasonE, for the encouraging words. The truth is, I'm not really that bad. Like Joshua Tenpenny (and most other people on this forum) I have a network of supportive friends who love me, rough edges and all. I make friends easily and take care not to offend people. I'm a nice enough person; I figure if somebody has a problem with me they should approach me as a fellow human just trying to get by. Sometimes even my closest friends give me plenty of space -- we all have our moments. But no, I'm not a big ol' mean bastard.

When I enrolled in massage school I ASSUMED that I'd be in a class of mature, enthusiastic, fun people. After all, most MT's I've known are pretty darn cool, and I've known a lot. As it turns out, about half the class fits that description to a tee; the other half... okay, I'm obviously being judgmental here, aren't I? Well, the way I figure it, if half of everybody you meet likes you, you're ahead of the game. I just don't really care what the other people think about me. But in massage school, OMYGOD I'M SUCH AN OGRE for having this attitude. BTW, with the exception of my fundamentals teacher, the rest of the staff and administrators love me, judging from the hugs and smiles I collect each day. So I guess it's just in fundamentals that I'm so horrible. At this point, I don't want to upset the teacher -- the fourth-graders I could care less about...

Before y'all jump down my throat, please understand the complexities of student recruitment. My school must enroll a whole lot of new students each quarter to pay for itself. Admissions can't get too picky (except in weeding out unsavory folk) when it comes to who gets in. Basically, if you can get financial aid or have the cash you're in like Flynn. The end result is that the classroom is filled with a lot of students who thought that it would be easy, or who didn't know that there would be men in class, or who've never had to relate to anyone in a mature way. It's just disappointing. Now I'm having to learn how to tiptoe around fragile egos and self-image issues that should have been sorted out BEFORE enrolling in a program in which you must take off your clothes.

I am definitely, absolutely being callous. But I'm trying to get it all out right now, 'cause on Monday I'm not gonna say a word in class. Head down, mouth shut. All the way through school. And yes, I'm still serious about learning compassion.

 

[Lady Winter Wolf]

Posted: Sun Aug 24, 2008 7:35 am Post subject:
Thanks, JasonE, for the encouraging words. The truth is, I'm not really that bad. Like Joshua Tenpenny (and most other people on this forum) I have a network of supportive friends who love me, rough edges and all. I make friends easily and take care not to offend people. I'm a nice enough person; I figure if somebody has a problem with me they could approach me as a fellow human just trying to get by. I'm usually open to anyone with a good intention, but sometimes even my closest friends give me plenty of space -- we all have our moments. I obviously have some stuff that I need to deal with at some point in my life.

The massage school environment is challenging for me because I have to be so mindful of what I say. I feel that our society teaches us to not accept responsibility, and to be overly sensitive and easily offended. It seems to me that some people actually look for reasons to be offended. Choosing not to have that energy in my life, I don't associate with emotionally immature folks. I accept responsibility for my thoughts, feelings, words and actions, knowing that I'll upset some people and bring joy to others. I will not be able to hide my disdain for some types of behavior, even if I keep my mouth shut, because I effectively communicate my feelings non-verbally. Maybe compassion is too big of a chunk for me right now. I should start with baby steps and just work on minding my words. Whatever. I'll figure it out someday. Thanks again for your thoughts.


[/i]

 

[WilliamJ]

I feel that our society teaches us to not accept responsibility, and to be overly sensitive and easily offended. It seems to me that some people actually look for reasons to be offended. Choosing not to have that energy in my life, I don't associate with emotionally immature folks. I accept responsibility for my thoughts, feelings, words and actions, knowing that I'll upset some people and bring joy to others. I will not be able to hide my disdain for some types of behavior, even if I keep my mouth shut, because I effectively communicate my feelings non-verbally. Maybe compassion is too big of a chunk for me right now. I should start with baby steps and just work on minding my words. Whatever. I'll figure it out someday. Thanks again for your thoughts.

I thought this was brilliant.

I don't think that feeling disdain for some types of behavior equals being an uncompassionate person. Wishing ill and suffering on people would be, but behavior is just behavior. You can feel compassion while still disdaining behavior.

I figure if somebody has a problem with me they could approach me as a fellow human just trying to get by

And you could do the same for the people you don't enjoy being around. Out in normal life it's easier, like you said you don't associate with them, but in settings like work and school when you can't really escape them, just tell yourself that they are just another person in the world trying to make it. You still don't have to agree with or condone their behavior.

 

[dsk]

That's a big 10-4, tribute. I've decided that I'm going to apologize to the class for my remarks. I don't have any problems with any of the students; nobody in class has harmed me in any way, and I'd gladly help any of them in whatever way I can. They're all good people. Being honest with myself, I remember thinking "You're kidding me: We're two months into the program and you still refuse to partner with any of the male students?" NOT a nice thing to think. My judgmental attitude must've been well noticed, and it came around to bite me.

In the real world, if you have any issues you can hide them. In school, your issues are on display. My judgements, her self-image or sexual abuse wound, his body odor. Issues on top of issues. We haven't talked about the healing quality of being vulnerable; of holding space for each other and supporting each other in school. These topics have been ignored, maybe in the vain hope that the students would all get along swimmingly. I somehow turned out to be the bad guy in class, which is understandable yet ironic. If I am such a disagreeable person, why do I have such wonderful friends? Why did my MT friends urge me to go to massage school? (And why didn't they tell me there would be so much drama?!) I hope that my classmates eventually recognize my sincerity and support me in becoming less judgmental, more patient. Peace and happiness-