101 Greatest George Carlin Quotes.

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Perhaps the greatest comedian of all time!


  1. I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!
  2. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
  3. Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
  4. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
  5. Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?
  6. I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.
  7. I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American — you know, you grow.
  8. You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
  9. If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
  10. Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
  11. If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
  12. No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.
  13. There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. “All of you words over here, you seven….baaaad words.” That’s what they told us, right? …You know the seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits.
  14. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
  15. The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
  16. Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
  17. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
  18. Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
  19. If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.
  20. If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
  21. You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
  22. Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.
  23. Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”
  24. As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
  25. If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
  26. The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
  27. I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
  28. I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
  29. If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.
  30. You can prick your finger — just don’t finger your prick.
  31. By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
  32. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
  33. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
  34. I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
  35. I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
  36. When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.
  37. Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
  38. I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.
  39. I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.
  40. I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
  41. Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? There’s such balance in nature.
  42. So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.
  43. Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.
  44. Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
  45. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
  46. Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
  47. Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
  48. God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.
  49. I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
  50. One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.
  51. If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?
  52. What year did Jesus think it was?
  53. George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
  54. Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
  55. In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
  56. Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.
  57. “One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
  58. No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.
  59. Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.
  60. The best thing about living at the water’s edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash.
  61. The future will soon be a thing of the past.
  62. The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
  63. The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
  64. Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.
  65. The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
  66. I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.
  67. Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.
  68. “When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!
  69. Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.
  70. And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I quote, “Fuck waffles.”
  71. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  72. Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was probably bleeding from the asshole.
  73. Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
  74. Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?
  75. I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
  76. Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself.
  77. The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
  78. If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
  79. “Meow” means “woof” in cat.
  80. Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
  81. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
  82. “No comment” is a comment.
  83. If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
  84. You can’t argue with a good blowjob.
  85. Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.
  86. So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.
  87. Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.
  88. Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?
  89. When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.
  90. The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.
  91. I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
  92. If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!
  93. Hooray for most things!
  94. Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.
  95. I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
  96. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
  97. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
  98. Life is a zero sum game.
  99. Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.
  100. I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
  101. It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.
 
George Carlin was an incredible resource when it came to humour, and making one think on a different level.

[video=youtube;gaa9iw85tW8]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gaa9iw85tW8[/video]

[video=youtube;hYIC0eZYEtI]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hYIC0eZYEtI&feature=related[/video]

[video=youtube;xIraCchPDhk]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xIraCchPDhk&feature=related[/video]

[video=youtube;eScDfYzMEEw]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eScDfYzMEEw&feature=related[/video]

[video=youtube;MvgN5gCuLac]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MvgN5gCuLac&feature=related[/video]

May he rest in peace.
 
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
-
“Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.”
-
“I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.”


Love these quotes!
 
  1. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?


I always wondered about that. :tongue:
 
Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”

LMAO!!!:lol::lol:
 
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  42. FLOWER Spa - BLUEXADO | Thornhill | VAUGHAN:
    BLUEXADO FS – #06-1102 Centre St 📞 416-357-9797 / 416-678-8668 🇻🇳 CICI, 🇻🇳 AMY, 🇻🇳 SHERRY 🔎 View Schedule: bit.ly/flowers_schedule 🛎️ Booking Now: bit.ly/bookingbluexadolove
  43. FLOWER Spa – PINK | Scarborough | TORONTO:
    PINK FS – 3300 McNicoll Ave 📞 416-299-5515 / 416-817-3839 🇮🇷 ELINA, 🇵🇭 MADY, 🇸🇬 CANDY, 🇻🇳 NANCY 🔎 View Schedule: bit.ly/flowers_schedule 🛎️ Booking Now: bit.ly/bookingpinklove
  44. SpringGreen.:
    Today we have 5 girls on downtown Toronto 72 gerrard st west:💋💋 New girl Hitti very young💋💋Lisa- Tanned Spanish beauty with large melons and a fun booty too minica- exotic goddess with a gymnasts body and corresponding flexibility Jennifer- Exotic beauty with... Call and text 647 891 0699 ask question :heart4 :heart4 :heart4
  45. Jenny’s Spa:
    🎉🍒JENNY’S SPA🎉🍒 ✅5170 DUNDAS STREET WEST✅ 👌ETOBICOKE ONTARIO M9A 1C4👌 ☎️( 647-893-5196)☎️Call or Text ☎️( 437-888-3759)☎️Call Only (ETOBICOKE) OPEN 10am to 9pm MONDAY to SUNDAY 🔥✅GRAND OPENING💯NEW GIRLS EVERYDAY🔥EXCELLENT MASSAGE + SERVICE QUEENS NOW AVAILABLE AT JENNY’S SPA FOR ALL YOUR MASSAGE AND SPECIAL EXTRA NEEDS🔥💯😘🔥❤️👌 🔥TWO BEAUTIFUL NEW YOUNG ASIAN GIRLS EVERYDAY🔥 💯REAL PICTURES OF ATTENDANTS💯 🔥💋Limited Time Special Promotion🔥💋 ✅💦30 Minutes Nude Mass
  46. AliceSpa:
    3 Sexy Young Girls Today at Alice Spa. Open 10am to 9pm : CLOUDIA (12pm-9pm): is Vietnamese, young, petite 5'2" & 96 Lbs, B Cup, best rim deep bbbj cim. $40 Room Fee + $80 (incl bbbj & fs). +$20 for rim/cim. Excellent open minded services. SKY (10:30am-9pm): is Part time girl from Indonesia, petite 5'2", B Cup, 100 Lbs, long black hair, new to the biz.Young, fresh/cute, pretty, submissive, slim tiny waist, fair skin. bbbj
  47. ForeverWarden:
    Monday at 🫦❤️🔴♾️𝓕𝓞𝓡𝓔𝓥𝓔𝓡 𝓢𝓟𝓐♾️🟥🔴❤️🫦 2190 Warden Ave, Unit 201, Scarborough 𝟰𝟭𝟲-𝟴𝟬𝟬-𝟳𝟴𝟴𝟳: Bella, Yumi & Cindy. Bella is around 5’3” with a thin to medium build, C Cups, and a pleasing personality. She can offer dfk, bbbj and cfs as well as a good massage experience. Yumi is a young half Chinese / /half Korean very sexy & slim beauty, can do bbbj cim, excellent services...
  48. HolidaySpa:
    Monday at 🌴😎🌅𝓗𝓸𝓵𝓲𝓭𝓪𝔂 𝓢𝓹𝓪🌅😎🌴3517 Kennedy Rd, Unit 4, Scarborough ☎️𝟰𝟯𝟳-𝟮𝟰𝟳-𝟭𝟭𝟵𝟵☎️: AMY, FIONA & CINDY. AMY is an attractive young lady with larger breasts and a nice bottom. She has outstanding oral skills, and is very popular. Don’t miss out on her special skills! FIONA is a slim hottie with long dark hair, great melons and ass, and nice services. CINDY is slim
  49. SugarLoveSpa:
    Monday at ❤️💙 💜⎝𝗦𝗨𝗚𝗔𝗥 𝗟𝗢𝗩𝗘 𝗦𝗣𝗔⎠💖💗💘: ANA, CHRISTINA, MIA, TIFFANY & VIVI. 1270 Finch Ave W (at Keele St), Unit 18. North York, ON ☎ 𝟰𝟯𝟳-𝟯𝟲𝟱-𝟮𝟲𝟴𝟴 ☎ ANA is a young, short and sweet lady, 5’1 & 105 Lbs, very tight, with a small to medium booty. Ana is a versatile honey who provides great massage, & can accommodate your needs. CHRISTINA is Spanish, C Cups, 5'3", tall & nice curves, very open mind
  50. bnwellness_wilson:
    We have 4 young girls are working today, young pretty Lily 25’s with curve body and flirty Ivy 36DD with curly body 30’s open mind, young sweet popular Michelle 26’s with curve body open mind and cute GFE Ella are providing deep tissue massage, pls call 4163985777 book appointment and walk in always welcome,back entrance and parking available, 350 Wilson Ave North York
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