Panic Attack

[Asanka]

Let me start by saying that I was sexually abused from an early age until I was about 8. I've dealt with the issues arrising from that abuse countless times with counselors, psychologists, pastors, and friends. Pretty much thought I was over it except for in extreme cases (being pinned down, etc). I was wrong. While doing an eight-week cleanse (no sugar, massageplanetfiene, alcohol, artificial sweetners) and some energy training, I began to have big issues with anger.

To make a long story short, I did some soul-searching, and found that I've never *really* dealt with these issues. And, I came to find out that these issues reside in my deep tissues and bones. I decided that it was time to deal with all of this, so my massage therapist and chiropractor have been assisting me in releasing a lot of the "doo-doo" that I have stored up in my body. It's been awesomely freeing and empowering.

I just started my second semester of Massage Therapy training. We've done many hours hands-on already with no problems. I've watched countless demonstrations and I've always been fine. However, the other night while watching my male instructor demonstrate sports massage techniques on my female classmate's proximal anterior thigh, I had to excuse myself. I thought my heart was going to burst it was beating so fast. I ran to the restroom and sort of curled up in the corner and shook and cried for about 5 minutes. When I came back everyone thought I was ill because I was so pale. Only one of my classmates saw me in the bathroom, and she didn't say much to anyone.

Since then I have discussed the work that I am doing on this with my instructor. My question is should I address this with my classmates? They all know my past, but they don't know about the possibility of me having panic attacks. On the one hand, I want to tell them that my reactions are OK and they shouldn't be scared by them. I'm just releasing the junk. On the other hand, I'm afraid no one will want to do massage exchanges with me anymore, or that they will be afraid to work deeply enough.

Any opinions are welcome. I'm not sure which way I should go.

 

[Lionel]

First, let me wish you well on your self-healing journey. It is great to hear that, overall, you are finding it to be freeing and empowering.

As for working with your classmates, emotional release is a real part of massage therapy. You may have clients from time to time that have an intense emotional reaction to the work you are doing.

Rather than be afraid that they will not want to work with you (although I can appreciate your concern) try to believe that you are giving them a chance to experience working through an emotional release with a client. What better environment to do this than school where you have a support network to help you.

Best of luck to you...

 

[TOOT]

Kemilyna,

Please don't add further stress to yourself by worrying that your reaction during class is going to scare off your classmates and make them not want to work with you.
As palpable said, you are giving them a chance to work with a client who is dealing with trauma and emotional release. Having worked with a few clients who experienced emotional release while on the table... I find it a great honor. My hope is that your classmates truly realize what a "gift" you can be to their education, and that you can experience the "gift" of compassion and healing their touch can bring.

Here are a couple threads you might find beneficial:

Trauma massage:
http://www.massageplanet.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=2353

Belly Area avoided during massage?
http://www.massageplanet.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=3600

Discrimination (kinda long):
http://www.massageplanet.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=5404

Anyway, hope that helps you to realize you are not alone. And you'll find a lot of love and support on the board here. Feel free to PM me if I can be of help kemilyna.

 

[scient49]

First, let me wish you well on your self-healing journey. It is great to hear that, overall, you are finding it to be freeing and empowering.

As for working with your classmates, emotional release is a real part of massage therapy. You may have clients from time to time that have an intense emotional reaction to the work you are doing.

Rather than be afraid that they will not want to work with you (although I can appreciate your concern) try to believe that you are giving them a chance to experience working through an emotional release with a client. What better environment to do this than school where you have a support network to help you.

Best of luck to you...

I have to totally agree with this one. Having a client have an emotional release on the table the first time can be upsetting, but having the experience in class whether it be you or another student is a learning experience in itself. It helps the one on the table to realize what it is truly like to feel that way and the one next to the table learn just how to deal with such emotions. I hope you have more peace with your experiences in your life.

 

[nu mummy]

Dear Kemilyna,

Congratulations on making it so far along your healing path......... it takes so much strength of character and soul to make the steps to wholeness that you have already made. Give yourself the grace and kindness that your classmates will be able to provide you with if you let them understand through experience what working with folks surviving traumas is nothing to be afraid of.....

You are a strong and beautiful soul to have made it so far already. Trust the love that surrounds you will support you and bring you further along your path to wholeness.


On a slightly different note: I have PTSD [post traumatic stress disorder] and was throughly blessed to have a therapist who used EMDR [eye movement desensitization and reprogramming] to really, genuinely clear the trauma from my body and leave it in my brain as historical fact w/out the emotional components that trigger hellish "flashbacks" and panic attacks...... if you have not experienced such a modality working with your therapists, please ask if it would be appropriate for you to assist you in losing the anger, etc that you have been experiencing without losing your mind.

Love and blessings be with you.
J

 

[happygirl52409]

Thanks everyone for your supportive and encouraging replies. I plan on addressing this with my classmates when I get a chance. The schedule has been crazy; we're really pressed for time, so I've not brought it up yet. However, I volunteered to be the "practice dummy" for glutes work next week. While I'm not looking forward to my far-from-perfect hiney being exposed for the whole class to see (like they haven't seen it all before, right?), I think it will be good for me and for them. If anything is going to happen to me on the table, it will either be during this or during abdominal work (psoas particularly).

I'm looking into additional methods of taking care of these anger/shame/grief issues. I will ask my MT about EMDR. My next step will be acupuncture, possibly Open Heart Therapy (a form of rebirthing), maybe cranio-sacral. Not all at once, of course. Believe me, I'm ready to do the work, but I don't want to lose my mind in the process. I feel like I've come close a couple of times, especially before I figured out why I was so angry.

I've already begun to remember things when my MT works in certain areas. The memories come in flashes, just factual information, and then I go home and process them and the emotions come. I've got a really ugly journal I've been writing and drawing in. I've broken a few red colored pencils. :evil:

It's interesting - when my chiro adjusts me, I get the emotional memory, but not the pictures. That is actually harder for me to deal with. Rocking (massage technique) really helps in those cases.

Anyway, I don't mean to go on like this. It's just good to know that there are people out there who understand and have walked this road before me (and survived!).

Thanks again,
Emily

 

[Jazzie Moon]

Just wanted to let everyone know that I talked with my classmates yesterday and everyone was really supportive. They all wanted to know what to do to help me if it happened again. So, I feel much better about everything .

 

[peter 1]

Just wanted to let everyone know that I talked with my classmates yesterday and everyone was really supportive. They all wanted to know what to do to help me if it happened again. So, I feel much better about everything .

kemilyna,
A friend of mine who I trade massage with (she does Barnes MFR but lives 4 hrs away) several times per year told me that she recently learned of a practitioner in my city that does Barnes MFR too.
Anyway, my friend hasn't really worked in the study group with the practitioner who she referred to me... but my friend reminded me that MFR practitioners have a "code word" to use if they feel uncomfortable or the therapists hands are not in the right area, etc... their code word is "halt."

I tell my new clients that I like to receive feedback during the massage... so if I am going too deep, or doing something they dislike I want them to tell me to "back off" and I tell them that doing so will not hurt my feelings.
Conversely, I also tell them to let me know if I am doing something they enjoy I'll endeavor to do it a little more... :

I would like to suggest that you set up such a "code phrase" with your classmates. So that you may tell them to "halt" if they are doing something that is bringing up feelings or something that you don't like.

I suggest that you mention this to the class. When we're clients we have a tendency to not speak up for ourselves during a massage... even when something hurts we stoically put up with the bruises afterwards. We need to be able to count on each other (MT and Client and a MT As Client) to speak up about what makes us uncomfortable.

I'd already been a MT for a couple of years when I attended the workshop of a nationally known massage educator. It was funny because he had stressed the whole class to ask permission to work on the psoas because it's such an emotionally laden area. My partner had extensive training in MFR and was able to immediately locate the psoas. Wouldn't you know it was a bit of a trigger spot for me. I asked her to move her hand for a minute just a couple inches away and let it rest there... so that I may get used to the idea of someone working that area. She immediately complied.

However, a moment later the instructor swooped in and without asking permission to touch me went right into the spot I'd just warned my partner out of. I don't mind telling you... I near jumped right off the table!

You need to trust that when you say your code word that all involved will immediately comply and wait for further feedback from you!

Hope that helps!

 

[Shyblue]

I want to start by saying bravo to you in working through so much "old history" it takes courage. And keep in mind your life experience will be what gives you the compassion needed for working with others who've walked a similiar path.

As to dealing with these issues, I have found that talk therapy only seems to go skin deep. For anyone with sexual abuse issues, they are held in the tissues, and in the spirit. When someone is working with you in anyway
be sure the communication is clear & use whatever signal
or "code phrase" you choose...

I hope your volunteering as a "practice dummy" for the glutes went okay for you. Perhaps in the future you will be able to find an older loving & nurturing female MT who will be able to provide the safe space to work one on one with you. When you experience that kind of mothering touch it somehow seems to clear away the old stuck memories, especially if she does energetic clearing along with the massage.

Best Wishes to you on your journey into & beyond yourself.

 

[woofs n whiskers]

What a journey you are on. What you may not know is there could be other classmates who are experiencing their own trauma clearing, and your bravery can be helpful to them. Also, as far as someone not wanting to work with you -- well, if that happens, try not to take it personally. It's just as likely that they need time to work on their own "stuff" -- sometimes it seems like that's half of what massage school is about!

And one more thing, not that you asked, but -- you were pretty sure that if anything was going to come up for you, it would be during glute or psoas work. Not to scare you or anything, but I have seen things come up, for myself and others, in the seemingly most innocuous of locations, like fingertips or the forehead, while more obvious trigger areas lay silent and cooperative! So whatever happens and whenever it does, I hope you know you're doing great and you'll be a supportive therapist when clients inevitably present with emotional releases on the table.

 

[Pompal 09.]

I haven't had time to log on here for a couple of days. We got a snow day today, so I thought I'd pop in . Thanks again, everyone for supporting me through this.

The glutes work that I volunteered for the other night almost went real bad. The instructor was using my oil because of my sensitive skin and was having trouble with the bottle. It splashed me and almost caused a trigger, but I just breathed it out and let it go. Pretty cool. That's the best I've ever done at acknowledging the emotions, letting go, and moving on. So, it was a good experience. I think everyone in the room sort of held their breath when it happened waiting to see how I'd respond.

I've had trouble finding female MTs who I really feel comfortable with, but have made an appointment with one of my classmates' mother who is an MT. Maybe I'll find a connection there and she can help me. I've come a long way working with the guys and I think it's important for me to continue to do so. It helps me know that I can feel safe with men and it's possible to be touched by them in a non-sexual way. But I have to be *so* careful with transference issues (I've got not only sexual abuse issues, but unrelated issues with my father and step father as well). It would be nice to just relax and do the work if you know what I mean.

All in all, things are going well. I'll see my Chiro next week, and who knows what will come up then?

Emily

 

[rocknrolltrekkie]

"It would be nice to just relax and do the work if you know what I mean."

You probably aren't the only one in the class with "issues"
to deal with either.

Kemilyna, you are doing the work, right now. You may have chosen massage school for more reasons then you
realized when you chose the healing path. Before you can
even start healing others, you have to work on yourself &
you are doing it in every moment & every day you go to your classes. You are doing it everytime you reach out to touch another person and everytime you allow them to touch you.

Also, trusting men after the violation you experienced can certainly be difficult. You are giving the guys in the class an amazing opportunity to see first hand the effects that treatment had on you. It will in turn serve them, as well as their future relationships with women (as clients or partners) having shared in this process. So in this way your healing journey is also healing others, as well as yourself.

Peace be with you and thank you for sharing yourself with us.